Don't be an asshole

I strive to be happy, today of all days I want to be happy. I wore happy socks today, then they reminded me of her, these were her socks. So I can’t help but want to be selfish, I want her with me, I want to share everything with her. I want to hug her and tell her how lucky I am to have had her in my life. She may have been a petite woman, but she was larger than life. Anyone who met her knows this is true. She had the presence that when she entered a room everyone would notice. I always pictured her having one of those Cinderella moments anytime she went to a party; you know, big entrance from atop a stair case and all.  She may have had tiny feet, but she left some big shoes to fill. She was a force to be reckoned with! I try every day to carry on her love, and giving spirit. It is through all this that I see how truly strong this woman really was. It is through her that I learned what love really is.

Most years we would show up, Pink Champagne cake in hand, and usually Pepsi. Every year we celebrated this beautiful woman who carried us all through so much. This woman who asked for nothing for herself, who expected nothing, and worked for everything she got. She was a role model if there ever was one. She was Imperfect, which made her perfect in my eyes, but with fierce love for everyone who was lucky enough to be considered her friend. I was one such lucky person. She didn’t have to like me, she wasn’t obligated, and I sure as hell did not make it easy on her, and she could have walked away at any moment, but she didn’t. She saw the value in me; she made sure that every single day I knew I was a worthwhile person no mater my bad decisions, my quick temper, my imperfections, basically, she saw me and loved me for just who I am. This is who she was; she made sure everyone knew how valuable they were. She did not like to know her friends were sad, alone, or struggling on their own, she made sure they knew no that matter what they had her in their corner.

She is the type of person that could captivate a room full of people with her beautiful and positive attitude. She would smile and you could not help but smile with her. No matter what mood you were in you could not help but feel happy and find yourself often laughing and having a good time in her presence. She was the kind of person that people would naturally be drawn to. She had so many friends that would go to the ends of the earth for her and vice versa, it was truly inspiring. And she was not the type of person to call someone a friend just because she knew them; she took time and invested in people, she didn’t just collect them. 

She did love shoes, she had so many shoes, oh so many shoes! 

She left some big shoes to fill, despite her tiny feet. She had so much love for people, for her community. Especially for battered women, she knew firsthand where they were coming from. She was a survivor; she pulled herself and her kids out of that world. She would not let that define her, or hold her back. She must have been scared out of her mind, living in that situation being responsible for all those kids, knowing minimal English from what she could pick up on Wheel of Fortune and other such shows. Being so young and in a country so foreign to her. Despite whatever she was going through she would always help others, she let nothing stand in her way of helping others. She would task her children with helping others. Encouraging them to go help the elderly pastor pack up the front of the church, to go help the lady with 3 kids struggling to get her groceries in her car, catching papers when they flew by, being there when friends just needed to talk. She didn’t push her kids into this without first and constantly walking the walk, she led her children by example. She loved so fiercely, she wouldn’t just listen to her friends when they were in a bad way, she would help shoulder the pain, doing everything she humanly could to take away the pain. She would drop everything and go to be by a friends side in a time of need. She would not hold back her love from anyone, even when they hurt her, she would continue to show them she loved them, despite it all. She always showed me she loved me no matter what.

One of the best last memories I have is of her dancing in the hallway with one of her sons. It was getting close to the time she was going to pass on the battle to others to continue fighting. I was sad, we all were. Despite knowing she would no longer be hurting, I wanted to keep her longer. I needed her, and still do. Despite her pain or discomfort she wanted to make us all smile and enjoy our time together. She wanted to leave knowing we would be happy for her, because that is all she wanted. So she got up and on her way to another long painful trek to the bathroom (five feet was a long distance to walk for her at this point), grabbed her son by the waist and waltzed in the hallway with him, humming and smiling. The smile on her face was the most beautiful, heartfelt smile I have ever seen in my life. That smile encompassed everything I believe love should be, open, honest, caring, and best of all free!

Some may have called her a superhero but her name is Agripina and I got to call her Mom.

She still draws a crowd.

Today we would have been celebrating her 58^th birthday with her, alas we must celebrate her day of birth without her.

So long story short, don’t be an asshole, hug your mom, your dad, your friends, etc. and let them know while you can how much they mean to you.

I think I can, I think I can...Nah! I know I can!

I got to be a part of an awesome opportunity in Morro Bay this weekend, my job description was simple: Check ID’s. Ok even I can do that, I don’t have to talk much to people they will just glide up to me with their ID’s and I will merely wave them on, very minimal talking involved right?

Oh boy! I got there was told I had to check ID’s and put wristbands on people. Ok, ok, I can do this, a little more people interaction, but now I will simply check their ID’s which they have out without me having to talk to them, I will put on their wristbands and will gracefully wave them past me with barely more than a Thank You. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this (this was my self-mantra).

Oh crap, I have to smile!

Ok, standing out there I realized I would attract the people with their ID’s out and give them wristbands if I just stood there looking important and smiled at them. (I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.)

So there I stood with a smile, wristbands in hand ready to check ID’s.

Yep, here I am smiling like a fool, waiting for someone to give me their…Oh crap! I think someone just tapped my shoulder!

I turn around to see an older gentleman and his lovely wife standing there looking expectantly at me. Dang it! They are not saying anything, this is awkward. TALK AT THEM! TALK AT THEM! My mind screams.

So I jump right into this unfamiliar territory, “Hi ! Yall planning on partaking of alcohol today?” Damn it! What normal person says partake?! I berate myself.

They say yes, and I ask to see their ID’s…

Their ID’s, these two are at the age where checking ID should not be the first concern when selling alcohol, I thought for sure they were going to let me have it now…

The husband started laughing, his wife already had her ID pulled out, she told me she was used to being carded, and they both laughed for a moment while I put on their wristbands and wished them a good day at the festival.

Whew! I did I spoke to people...wait…I can’t speak to people, it is definitely something I am not good at, oh man how am I supposed to make it through the rest of the day? Why did I sign up for this again…aye aye aye. I am so screwed, and going to be an embarrassment to the league (I was representing Central Coast Roller Derby in this volunteer capacity). They will never ask me to volunteer again!

Before I knew it I was swarmed with people, ID’s and wristbands. I was in the middle of all the people arriving and I was the gatekeeper to the alcohol. I talked to people about their kids, about their pets, about the festival, and about Roller Derby, and what it is I do in roller derby! It was a big jump from being nervous and believing I was incapable of talking to people, to joking with people about why I had to see their ID, and even offering to join people on their day’s journey through the festival. It was a jump I didn’t notice I took, and I am glad for that. When my replacement came I found myself kind of sad that I could not stay longer (we already had other plans or I just might have!) I looked at all the wristbandless people and thought; I could talk to all these people! I counted the wristband backs I shoved in my pocket and I had well over 200 of them, that is not counting the ones I dropped at the festival and the ones that flew away when I was trying to take them out of my pocket!

Me! The person who “can’t” talk to people easily spoke to well over 200 people without a problem! All this time I have been telling myself what I can’t do, what if I had been telling myself I can, or at the very least I can try.

Can’t is a big scary, intimidating word. We hear it from others all the time, and even more destructively we tell it to ourselves a lot. At least I do.  No! At least I DID.

The next day I decided I was no longer going to say I can’t skate for more than 2 minutes; this was my goal for the day. So when the court was empty and it was just my son and one other Junior Roller Derby kid, I pulled my skates on and went for it, I am sure without thinking, I, at one point or maybe more said "I can’t do this", yet I did! I captured on film about 2 minutes of skating, but feeling confident about my skating I decided to put the camera down and continue skating. I skated for easily another 3 minutes before I had to give my evil knee a rest. That and it was getting close to the time for the Junior Roller Derby to use the court. One of the coaches told me I could skate for endurance while they were doing their thing, and I heard that evil cuss word escape my mouth. I said I can’t, and said my knee wouldn’t allow it.

Who is my stupid evil knee that it thinks it can tell me what I can and can’t do. It’s not broken; it is just weirdly painful all the time. But that is no excuse, if I can’t sticky skate because it hurts to turn my knee then I can regular skate, if I can’t bend more because it hurts to bend my knee then I can bend a little to skate. I was determined to turn any can’t into a can! I can’t skate with the Juniors, I can skate when they take a break. I would love to have grand goals and say, I can skate as good as anyone else out there, and someday I will, but for me it is all in baby steps. Day by day I have to choose it will be a CAN day, and if I get up one day and tell myself I can’t make it the whole day, then I will adjust it to smaller victories, I can try to make it a CAN day, I can get over each situation as it comes, and before I know it I will be having a whole day of not allowing negativity, and self-doubt control me.

Today, I can talk to people; I can keep a smile on my face even when they get frustrated. They may be calling about their broken oven, or ice-maker but sometimes they are just having some other personal crisis going on in their lives, and that oven or ice-maker is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It's been a few years

I remember I had this crazy idea of starting a blog about biking and gardening and how I loved them both. Then I moved, got a garden in my backyard, and was unable to bike due to feet problems. Life went on. My garden was placed in unforgiving earth, and over run by wicked smart vermin. Now I have a few veggies growing in pots on the side of our house. My kids are well into their high school years and I have become a grandma! Yeah, you can go back and read that part again...I'll give you a moment. And I got married! Yeah that boyfriend, who was moving earth for me back in 2011, went ahead and finally decided he wanted to live with my kind of crazy for the rest of his life!

I have recently (within the last few months) decided to start living healthier than I have been. I have dragged my family into this journey with me, since I cook the majority of the meals they have little say in this. (Mwahahahaha!)

I have also taken more time for myself and started walking 5-6 times a week and have recently gotten up to walking 5k, there is a Cancer Challenge coming up in San Luis Obispo that has a 5k I want ot participate in, without being that person crying after 1 mile of walking - yep that was me when I last signed up for a 10k! What the heck was I thinking?!

I also recently started Yoga, and for some reason up until recently did not want anything to do with Yoga - very weird since I had no legitimate reason to dislike it...so I started it. Easing into it with the DDP yoga videos, let's see how this goes.

I have also recently had my camera upgraded (by my husband in a very sneaky fashion!) and have realized how much I love photography when I don't have to spend hours editing out the mark on the photos because of a scratched mirror in the body of the camera!

I joined a local roller derby league and have become their Head Non Skating Official. I love it! I love the people, I love volunteering my time to such a great organization! Once I figure out this blog thing again (like the title says, it has been a few years) I will put links to all the awesome stuff I am involved in.

I love writing and will probably have long run on blogs from time to time, but I will do my best hereafter, to only publish ones that don't go in circles and are easier to digest, as opposed to trying to read War & Peace in one sitting.

So look forward to posts about dishes I have made - from found recipes usually (like the one I recently found for this Amazing Chili, crafting projects, photos I just had to take, more gardening follies and triumphs, my exercising routine, and self doubt days, as well as life issues as they arise. (I would love to find a way to link her website to my blog as I plan on going there a lot for recipe ideas!)

Possibly the most recent picture of me. More sure to follow - this one was lovingly taking by my husband.

A Newer Beginning

I woke up one day a couple weekends ago to find my boyfriend MIA. This was not of great concern to me as I was tired, and it was the weekend. Though after a few minutes of debating whether to laze about in bed or not I decided to go out back and greet him with morning breath and all. Not only was he not sitting on the back porch, he was in the yard moving the earth, FOR ME!
I knew I had found a good guy prior to this, but this confirmed my beliefs even more. I have heard people say "I love you so much I would move heaven and earth for you!" but I have never seen it in action before. I am sure at this point if I asked him to he would try and find a way to move the heavens for me as well.
My love knows how much I loved being in my garden and outside "playing in the dirt" and how much I have been missing it, so he decided to do something about it. He has taken a corner of the yard and is progressively getting it ready for us to have a garden out there. He has spent countless hours clearing the area, pulling weeds, and prepping the dirt.
This weekend there are plans to put down chicken wire to keep the gophers from digging up from underneath and ruining our plans of a beautiful garden. I am excited as I will have a garden I can go out to when I am feeling up to it, and if not I have quite a few hands available that I am sure will be willing to help.
In the side yard the kids also have a couple raised garden beds they are going to use to start their own gardens in.
This is so exciting for me to have everyone involved in something I love to do so much, and to have a replacement garden for the one I am having to give up. I already have a few seedlings yearning to stretch.

Evolution of my garden

Over the next couple of weeks I spent sifting through compost and manure piles. I know what you are thinking that it shouldn't have taken that long. However I was only able to work in the garden for about 1/2 to an hour if I was lucky on most days I was there, and it was usually just me with a sifter. I would spend most of the time gathering what I needed the wheel barrell from up the hill, the shovel from wherever it had been discarded last - usually in the compost pile so that is helpful, and the sifter from one of the piles it was left by. I would then create little piles of sifted dirt and sifted compost in various spots on the plot, so I could go back before heading home and combine them together.

The sifter is basically a wood frame with some chicken wire on it. This is so we didn't have big chunks of coffee grounds, or lawn clippings in there that weren't fully composted yet. Of course I took an extra long time because I couldn't abide by the fact that I may be squishing some worms in there, so I would pile the compost or manure onto the sifter that was sitting on top of the wheel barrow and then pick through it to make sure I was able to pull any worms out and place them back to work. I know they are just worms and all that, and I am sure more than a couple got into my garden, but they can only help and I feel better about the garden thinking I did all I could to ensure there would be whole worms in there and in the piles than just worm chunks. The thing I love about the compost pile is that everyone seems to be pitching in on it, some Sundays when I am there I get to see many of the people that attend the church in front bring their little buckets of compost. And of course there are always coffee grounds aplenty from there as well. I was told the sheep manure we have there is brough over from the sheep farm next door, and I don't entirely remember if they said it was donated or not.

Finally I got most of it filled, though still not all of it because we are low on fill dirt and compost. I planted the two tomato plants I had been given, as they had been sitting there patiently in their pots since that first Saturday I had been out there. I figure I can plant and fill as I grow as most of my seedlings have been eagerly awaiting their new home. I was going to be very organized about it all and map out where I wanted everything placed, but have since changed my mind. I am just going to plant where it looks best to me and take care of the plants the best I can. In the past I have had tremendous luck with tomatoes, roses, lettuce, corn, snap peas, edamame, potatoes, etc. Everything has always been thrown together haphazardly and always against the advisement of other gardeners. One of the fellow gardeners was fearful when he saw me planting pumpins and squash so near where I was planting the strawberries and sunflowers. He said those two alone will take over my garden. This guy has never seen the small spaces I have crammed gardens into before and somehow they always work out. Here I have more room so I am optimistic. Though I am more worried about the carrots, never had good luck with those but we shall see, I am babying them for now.

From the Beginning

As most of you know I have started my garden at a Community Garden. Most of this time I have been doing nothing but pulling weeds and sifting through the compost piles. This is a journal of the ups and downs of gardening.

The bed I am renting was full of weeds. I am not sure if most community gardens are set up this way but i kind of liked it. It is hard, yet refreshing work to know that I started this garden from scratch. It was absolutely hard work!

I showed up first there on a Saturday morning for a meeting of the gardeners, turns out there weren't as many of us as I had thought, there were only three other ladies there and I was the youngext by a good 30 years. It felt a little odd. Are there no young people that enjoy gardening? I found out that thus far they had only rented out 5 of the 18 spaces. Thus the small group. We went over out hopes, expectations and of course rules of the garden.

This is when the fun part began we headed out to the beds to try and get them into some sort of shape. There was a bed next to mine that looked just as bad, full of rocks and weeds, so it was decided we would work on mine and see how manageable we could get the weeds in the side bed.

Thinking it would be nice if it got rented and the new gardener wouldn't have to deal with as many weeds as I had to. The weeds weren't the biggest problem here though - the ground was so hard and so rocky it was hard to get them yanked out and to get rid of all the rocks. Thankfully I had the help of the head gardener as well as the sporadic help of my two monkeys. We used the borrowed shovel as well as buckets they conveniently had place everywhere.

After a few hours in the garden - I think about 4 we got all the weeds out, ok well most of the weeds, we were working with shovels and hands only here no nifty claw device or anything like that. so we got out the majority - leaving a few stubborn ones behind.

What a long exhausting day! The only reason I had went home so soon was because the kids were hungry. I was so naive about all the work involved in that bed that I had thought I would be able to escort some of my liners down that day to be planted. That was to be saved for another day. That Saturday all I wanted to do was take a cold shower - it was bloody hot out there - and sit by the pool as the kids found new ways to dangerously jump in.